Breathing & Waiting

chrysalysI’m on the precipice of something great. After years of figuring it all out in my early twenties and failing numerous times I have finally gotten to a place where things are making sense, slowly falling into place in a way that makes me feel like I’m going in the right direction. The thing I’ve learned about change and going in the right direction though is that inevitably, right before you’re about to get to something great everything else kinds of falls apart. In the past I use to see this as a sign that good things were not in fact coming but now I see this for what it is – the uncomfortable metamorphosis from one phase to the next.

There’s nothing like feeling the world seemingly shifting beneath your feet to make you think you need to hold onto something in order to survive.

But I’m getting into the weeds a bit here. The post is not technically about my metamorphosis, it’s about what I feel right now, before that.

Which is stressed. I hardly ever feel stressed (anxiety being a tad different than just being stressed) so it was difficult for me to identify at first. It doesn’t help that things are building in terms of tension and the very clear fact that I need to get out of a few avenues in my life that I have long outgrown and no longer make me feel happy. Everything I’ve slowly come to realize within the past 3 months is right on the surface, taunting me, daring me to engage and thus lose ground on all the things I’ve already learned. I have to actually take into practice the insights I’ve had and the tools I’ve learned to navigate certain situations, conflicts, and happenings. And it’s hard, and stressful.

I find myself having to repeatedly take a moment an asses if I’m losing it. I feel over everything and my patience wears thinner everyday. It’s hard to remember the growth I’v had when people are persistently ticking you off. You get lost in your current circumstances and it stalls everything.

So what am I doing about it? What could you do in a similar situation? What’s even the point of this particular post?

The morale of this story is that everyone has had those moments of large transition and it always feel the most stressful the closer you get. A move, a new job, a new relationship, an upcoming travel adventure; those are all big things that signal some sort of great self-idenityt and advances your personal and professional growth. In those moments we all find ourselves in discomfort and tension because that is what cocoon is. It’s an incubator where, the larger the caterpillar gets to turn into a butterfly the space that holds it is no longer the right size(this may be the cheesiest metaphor ever btw’s) but I’m sure while that butterfly was waiting the stress was palpable (this fucking guy I dated used this word a lot to ironically describe the frequent tension between us and now it’s rotating in my own vocabulary though I actually hate this word because it makes me imagine spit which is the grossest bodily fluid in my opinion). And that’s where I am now, and that’s where everyone will be at some point in their life and when it happens you just have to breathe and wait. chrysalys

 

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Do as I Say, Not as I Do

IMG_3233Another week, another podcast; and I have to admit, while I’m becoming more and more confident in the advice I have to give this entire podcast was a lot of me giving sage (some would say… no one has said it yet but you know, I try) advice to myself.

I spend a lot of time talking in this podcast about fears, insecurities, and the possibility of love while doing my best to squash my own fears and doubts in my most current dating situation. I’m still learning how to date with anxiety, how to allow myself to eb and flow in the process and not allow myself to be the own roadblock in a potentially great relationship. Realizing that the majority of the reassurance I think I need to confidently move forward with opening up to someone else comes from within and that clinging to the idea of something working out only creates the problem I’m most afraid of.

I also spend a lot of time talking about how learning someone new is a lot less romantic than we are all predisposed to believe. In the beginning your partner doesn’t know your communication style or how you express love and affection and a lot of times those two things aren’t the same as your partners way of communicating and expressing affection and you have to learn to deal with that. That’s the deal when you have feelings for and care about someone – you resolve to learn more about someone over time and the idea that someone’s just automatically going to get and understand you is unrealistic.

But of course I can say this and actively be learning how to do it myself at the same time. It’s always easier to give perspective to people who aren’t yourself. I’m working on it, I’m trying to take my own advice and I’m trying to let go of my own since of panic and uncertainty and find room to move intentional and slowly to ensure a solid relationship foundation.

So listen, subscribe, and know that this recording is steeped from a sincere place that many who write in struggle with and maybe that relation is exactly what people need to hear – that we’re all going through this love/dating/relationship stuff together and it’s normal and expected and you control how you move through it and choose to see the best possible outcomes instead of allowing your fear get the best of you.

Oh, and here is the link to the Love Language quiz I talk about substantial in one portion of the podcast. Knowing how you express and communicate early on and talking about it will allow you to see things from your partners point of view and will allow you to learn more about your partner at the same time which will create a deeper bond.

As always thanks for listening!

Xoxo,

Chelsea

Nice Guys, Creepy Shit & Stalking your BF

IMG_3233Hey guys!

I was super honored to be a guest host on Robert Dunn’s  The Orion Group podcast last night and thought I’d link to the episode here for all my readers to check out my equally as honest (read ridiculous) take on love and relationships. The theme of this episode really centered back to fear and communication which I believe are the two biggest things people struggle with in any form of a relationship at any age (millennial or not). Hoping to do more podcast and the future but please share, subscribe and listen to this one!

xoxo,

Chelsea (feel like I should put Gossip Girl there just by nature)

 

 

The Beginning of Things

Prve-RandeI never thought of myself as someone afraid to fall in love. I’d like to think of myself as fearless in all matters, unabashed by my emotions and diving head first into the murky waters of relationships. I’m a strong, confident woman who has never been embarrassed to admit her feelings, something that has been the driving force behind my writing, because being open and vulnerable in front of people I don’t know is kind of my thing.

At least, that’s what I’ve been telling myself for the past year, as I cycled through first dates in hopes of finding someone I actually had a connection with. I always knew that things could turn out badly and admittedly prepared myself for the worst knowing that regardless of the outcome, I’m a self satisfied individual with nothing to lose because I love myself and am happy with my life.

That’s what all my blogs have been about this year so far, being happy with being alone. Because alone is easy, I spent most of the past year learning not to be afraid of being alone after rebuilding myself from a traumatizing relationship. So, of course, its at that point where you meet someone and that someone turns from a great first date, to an even better second date and a spectacular 3rd date and on and on and on, and before you know it you’re at the beginning of something and it’s honestly scary and exciting and new all at once.

On one hand I’m in all the feels, a spring in my step, a smile on my face. I have this desire to memorize every little thing; our first date, our first kiss, our first day together because the beginning is the best part, the part where when things get hard you flash back on fondly. The butterflies, the endless flirting, the, “I can’t wait to spend more time moments” that you forget to appreciate in the moment that I find myself playing over and over in my head.

…and on the other hand I’m terrified, remembering what it’s like to have my heart broken, recalling the work and the effort being in a relationship brings. I wonder if I remember how to do this, if I’ll mess it up, if it’ll fizzle before it even begins. I call it overthinking or brush it off as my anxiety talking but in talking with my friends they tell me that’s just part of the deal – the being scared a little part.

The beginnings are all of the things mixed into one. I can’t tell if the butterflies in my stomach every time I see him are the good kind or the bad kind and that feels new and vaguely familiar to me. … and then there’s this, this blog, this giant diary of truths and admissions of intimate moments throughout the past 4 years of my life. I’ve never been worried about living my life out loud, about what other people might think about these experiences we all have, the ones you don’t talk about that just beg to be related to. If it wasn’t all here, laid out in black and white, in writing, in poetry, I would still be nervous to reveal those parts of myself and I am, more so than I’ve ever been before.

So what do I do in those moments? What do I do when I realize that being open to the beginning of things means being brave, and exposed, and just plain scared. In this moment when it feels so new and so great I feel like I’m carrying a piece of china I’m afraid will fall and break, what then?

… and when I’m done, worrying and freaking myself out,I remember once more that this is normal, this is how it’s suppose to feel. And that’s when I go back to savoring every moment, every smile, every stolen glance and tentative admission of feeling because this is the beginning, and this is the best part.