If you are a reader of my blog you know that, since the beginning, this blog has been an open diary into my life; my life that is, at times, extremely real and extremely difficult to write sometimes because of how vulnerable it makes me feel. At it’s best my blog has made a few people feel less alone in this journey that is your twenties, and at it’s worst has hurt more people then I care to remember in so many ways. It has chronicled my various heartbreaks, successes and random thoughts on the world happening around me. It has been an emotional few years for me and it has taught me how to have a stronger voice for those who do not have the words to express their own emotions. Below is my annual letter to myself and I think it’s my most important yet. We are all prone to struggle, but the theme of this letter is one of redemption, and of perseverance, and of resilience when all else is lost.
I’m crying writing the to you now. Some out of sadness, some out of joy, and some disbelief that you made it even to 25. But now that you are, I wish I could tell you everything that’s in store for you in this next year of life. But even if I could there’s no way you could even imagine it. Right now your story is just beginning; you’re still in the ending, desperately trying to hold on to a life that just isn’t meant for you. You’ll continue to struggle, but only because you grow defiant in your misery, trying to push a boulder uphill until it rolls back and kills you.
It does, it almost does kill you. There will be many more days of darkness, nights of begging on your knees for it to get better, weeks where you just want to give up all together. But you won’t because this is where your strength comes in. It won’t feel like that’s what’s going on at the time. You will see it as survival, you will see it as an attempt to keep it all together, and it is all of those things that, at their core, define strength. I’m so sorry that you will continue feeling so much despair; you will handle more than most in terms of adversity and just all out shitiness. But it shapes you, it grows you into one of those select group of people that dealt with hard shit and came out from within it. Because not everyone does, believe me baby girl, not everyone does.
Professionally, well there really is not any professional stuff for a while. Instead you will spend most of this year getting by with one job or another. You will hate it, but you will end up meeting people in these places that help you to stay a float. They exist so that you know you are not alone. The exists to make sure you keep your chin up because, believe it or not the biggest part of this year are the friends you surround yourself with. I know I told you last year that friendships will save you, well that doesn’t change at all in this year. You will somehow manage to make your existing friendships even stronger, even if you aren’t in the same place. You will also attract new friends, people who you just get and who just get you. These women, these strong women, will affirm what type of person you’ve become – a fighter.
Once the sunsets on the ending, well, the beginning is magnificent. The beginning will hold the strongest percentage of happiness that you’ve felt in a while. It all starts to make sense, you start seeing the whole picture and with your new found strength you find another superpower – perspective.
This perspective helps you in lots of ways. It helps you to lean into the happening of the moment. If it’s a hard time, know that it won’t last forever, if it’s a uncertain time, know that everything always workout for those who keep trying, moving, flowing with the changing tide instead of pushing against it. You will learn to take your que’s from past experiences and make different choices and it’s the thing that will make you feel the most mature.
Relationships.. well we already know you’re heart is broken, and it will stay that way until the bitter end. You will continue to get let down by men who can’t be what you need them to be. This happens in small flings here and there until it finally clicks that you need to be the person you need right now. The flings will stop, and you will process slowly that you know exactly what you want in a partner, and anyone who doesn’t fit that will fade away always. I expect that this will go on for some time, past the year of this letter.
You need this year. You need the final lessons it will teach you. You need the growth in empathy, and compassion that may have been lacking in the past. You will need the fortitude, resilience, and determination that you were forced to have in order to make it through the hard shit again. Whatever happens know that you will make it through the lows and the highs. Again, know the lows will always end and that the highs aren’t going to be void of problems. It’s a giant circle and you will learn that sometimes in a circle you just have take your foot off the gas and just glide.