Breathing Under Water

breathing-underwaterI know, I know, I say I’ll post more on my blog and then I don’t. My almost 2 year old blog feels like something you find under your bed and go, “oh, there’s where that ended up.” I don’t love that I don’t take more time to write deeply personal things anymore. Of course if you’re jonesing for my outlook on things you can still find my writing here on Thought Catalog and here on Elite Daily.

God, I Hate my Twenties still feels like my love child though. Most of the things I experience I feel like sharing on a bigger platform but some things I still feel like sharing here, with all of you only. I look at it as the difference between hosting a big party or having just a few friends over for wine. This blog is my at home kick back and I apologize sincerely for not having enough time to cater to both these past few months. I will however be doing my yearly best TV seasons 2014-2015 later this week for sure!

So now that that’s out of the way….

I’ve been having a lot of conversations with people about the idea of a quarter life crisis. Given what my life has been like the past 5 years I felt like perhaps I would skip this rite of passage, collect $200 and pass go. I didn’t feel like, after all the things that have happened to me in particular in the last 9 months, I could handle anymore things. What happened instead is that I found myself in more and more situations that felt familiar but that I wanted to react differently too. It feels like I’m taking a test that I’ve already failed too many times and now the right answers seem so clear.

Still, the struggle is real. I’m about 5 months away from being 25 and though I feel myself understanding who I am and what I want more, there is a sense of panic that I wasted my early twenties being stuck in neutral. It went by exactly how fast older adults said it would and I worried.. worry… that the rest of my twenties will go by even faster. I don’t feel like I haven’t accomplished anything, I don’t worry that missed out on an experience or haven’t experienced what I need to, I worry instead that I won’t spend enough time enjoying this life I have. Everyone I know feels like their worlds are exploding and I’ve spent the past five years watching my life explode and now I’m standing on the other side of it thinking, “shit, now what?”

It feels like I’m trying to breathe underwater. Does that even make any sense? I’m trying to take it all in and yet I can’t because I’m trying to swim and breathe…. In other words I’m trying to enjoy being young and happy and I can’t because I’m so busy trying to make sure I check off all the things on the checklist of stuff you have to do before 30. I know I need to travel more but I also need to establish myself in a career and I have to enjoy being single (who enjoys being single?) whilst building meaningful friendships with a bunch of people going through the same thing and I can’t breathe.

Yesterday I had my first panic attack. It last 30 minutes and came from no where. I was walking around my apartment and thinking, “I finally have so much to lose and I’m scared of losing it.” Is that what a quarter life crisis is. Realizing you’ve worked so hard to get to this point in adulthood only to realize you could lose it all if only one thing breaks apart? If so, then I am having one.

Then I have moments where I just stop. I stop and think about how far I’ve come, how much I appreciate the things I have now because it took me so long and so much emotional work in order to get here. The sun feels warmer, the colors seem brighter and I’m under water swimming not even thinking about breathing (is this metaphor even working or am I just babbling on? ). I write, I run, I dance and pray and listen to my heart that for the most part is finally in sync  with my head and the idea of a quarter life crisis seems almost laughable because I’m enjoying my life so much.

Those are two extremes I suppose. Feeling like at any moment you could drown and enjoying the view anyway.

… Anyway, that’s where I’m at. That’s where this blog is at. not quite sure but still going strong.