Ever so often I decide to workshop a piece I’m thinking of publishing on Thought Catalog here on my blog first to hear feedback and allow the article to evolve into a better narrative. This is one of those times. Honesty and sentiments are gladly appreciated in the comments!
I didn’t breathe for what felt like a full minute after it happened. Physically, mentally and emotionally I felt like someone had just knocked the wind out of me. I wanted to vomit but instead I remember thinking “just focus on your driving.” We’d been on the phone for almost two hours, but he didn’t let the information about his feelings for his ex slip until the last few minutes. He said it casually, as if we’d been best friends forever, when really our friendship was still leaning to walk. I wondered if maybe he had forgotten who he was talking to for a second but then I realized I didn’t have time to contemplate this because I had to say something – anything.
“Wow, that’s intense. But good, that’s good.” I said hearing the faint crack in my voice. How the fuck was this happening? I replayed the entire summer again in my head incase maybe I missed something. Perfect first date. Whirlwind summer romance. Instant bond. Nope, no where had there been any sign he was may be still in love with ex. This was every girls nightmare. I felt humiliated for myself. Here I was pining over a guy who for weeks couldn’t express his feelings to me at all and now, on the lowest and loneliest weeks of my life he was telling me he did have feelings for someone… the girl he broke up with 7 months ago.
I couldn’t compete with that. I couldn’t compete with a girl he self proclaimed to have been “head over heels for” in the first month of dating. Worst of all, a part of me understood exactly how he felt. Over the few months I had been single every once in a while I would miss my ex so much it didn’t seem possible, or real that I had ended it. All those happy memories, they don’t just disappear. You start thinking,” maybe if I had just held out a little longer, put in a little more effort, I could have made this work.” I could see how he could be having second thoughts about not being with her, but despite my understanding I felt completely broken all the same.
To be honest I don’t remember the rest of the conversation between him saying he still wanted to be with her and me getting off the phone. I’m pretty sure it was all very cordial and nice but as soon as I hung up I started balling my eyes out while I contemplated my options. I started sobbing even harder when I realized that they were to either a) cut all ties and never talk to him again or b) let it go and pretend it didn’t bother me. Both sounded like fucking horrible choices. I really wanted to be happy for him. To genuinely let my own feelings slip away and support him the way friends are suppose to but I also wanted to never hear him say her name to me ever again.
So here I am, trying to straddle the fine line between the lesser of two evils while processing in a very real way the fact that the guy I’m crazy for is crazy for someone else. I’m still at the part where I push my feelings deep down and let them just sit there, not quite sure what this all means or if it means anything at all. This of course will eventually lead to full on avoidance and a deep desire to focus all of this sadness, and crazy emotion into anything else more productive. Until then I’m just learning to accept how strange relationships are and the many forms that they take to teach us things about life.