You know how after you get really drunk you get to the point where you just know you’re going to have to vomit? Let’s be serious, there has been a point in every drinking adults life where after the fun phase, and the loose phase (hey, don’t look at me), and the getting-kind-of-sloppy-drunk phase there is a time and place (hopefully in the privacy of your own home and not some random persons bed, you slut) where you know for the sake of your own safety you are going have to vomit all the vodka red bulls right up or risk being drunk and dizzy forever. It’s natural. It’s the human bodies most basic reaction to being filled with – well, toxins. And for whatever reason the human brain accepts and acknowledges that, as bad as vomiting feels when it’s happening, it might be the only way to feel better…. To feel, relief.
I had one of those moments this morning, except maybe a little different. From the moment I opened my eyes, I just knew I was going to have to bawl my eyes out today. And while you, dear blogger reader, are well aware of my current state of being there are still some things I keep to myself. Eventually the time will come when I’ll share all the pain and torture that was really going on during this time in my life with you, but for now just know that I’m fighting a lot of losing battles, and it’s not just on the job front.
Needless to say, I was feeling it strong this morning. I felt like I needed to cry and get all my emotions out of my body or else my heart would explode (I might be a tad dramatic, can you tell?). So I did the only thing appropriate, the only way society expects people to have a melt downs- I showered. In the shower no one can hear, see, or even tell that you’re crying, its all part of the way society handles emotion, by not. So I made a short playlist of all the saddest most depressing songs I could (Kelly Clarkson was in heavy rotations, obviously), and waited for the emotional downpour to steam away in the hot shower. But nothing happened. A few tears trickled down my face and I felt genuinely annoyed that my head and my heart were still holding on to the emotion that needed to come out! I got out of the shower and just stood there for a moment hoping a song would come out that would just ring me dry, and then this song came on:
It’s a ballad from NBC’s short lived drama Smash and it’s truly how I feel in my life. Every time I get somewhere the marker for success and happiness is moved and all I’m doing is chasing after it. I love this song and while I sang
horribly off key along with the lyrics a few more tears rolled down my checks, the ones who had been so unmoving in the shower. And while I felt a small amount of gumption creep in where loss, and heartache had been eating away at me for days, it wasn’t enough. I wrapped myself tighter in my towel and headed into the living room with my phone in hand. I began frantically skipping through songs, stopping on ones I knew had to be the perfect soundtrack for waterworks. And then I saw it, a cutting knife on the kitchen counter perfectly clean. My heart stopped beating rapidly as I looked so long at the knife that I scared myself. And then it came on…
The first time I heard the song was also the first time I saw the video and to say that both gave me chills is an understatement. The way Macklemore rhymes out his journey through his addiction has never felt like my story because I never did drugs growing up, so I would listen to the lyrics and just appreciate his genius. Until today. When that song came on I was carried through the last 3 years of my life. Flashbacks of all the mistakes and missteps I’ve taken since I left DC came flooding back through me like too much wine after Scandal. I cried so hard that I was shaking. I couldn’t breathe and when he get to the verse, at the end I never felt more like the song fit so perfectly to how I felt.
Until you’re stuck, lookin’ in the mirror like I can’t believe what I’ve become
Swore I was goin’ to be someone
And growing up everyone always does
We sell our dreams and our potential
To escape through that buzz
Just keep me up, keep me up
Hollywood here we come
After that I felt better but depressed. All I could her was the sound of my breath. And then another song came on.
It’s always been a favorite of mine. It reminds me of all the road trips I’ve ever taken, the road in front of me, the vast beauty of this country’s backdrop behind, and for whatever reason this song has always brought me hope. When I started listening to it I went right back to when I left Washington DC, three years ago, AGAIN. Except this time… I remembered the period after all those missteps and mistakes, the recovery time when I found this inner strength that most other people will never have, let alone understand. And I was smiling and crying and thinking of how I always bounce back and the darkness always becomes light again and I met some amazing friends and people and jobs and everything along the way. And even though the last lines of the song have always stuck with me, for some reason I heard them a little differently this time around.
But I’ll still believe though there’s cracks you’ll see,
When I’m on my knees I’ll still believe,
And when I’ve hit the ground, neither lost nor found,
If you’ll believe in me I’ll still believe
WARNING THE BELOW PARAGRAPH IS A LITTLE PRECHY, KEEP AN OPEN MIND.
And for whatever reason I felt like that was my prayer to God. It has always been and it has always been answered. I still believe things will work out, even when it’s not the strongest of beliefs I might have, if God believes in me, then I still believe. And for some reason it all made sense, and I felt better and I smiled for the first time in a few days and I felt okay. And then, to add to the emotional vomit I just experienced, this, this writing, this piece just needed to be written down. I opened up my computer and I started to hum. I started singing lyrics, “… filling up and spilling over…”. I could only recall those words but the melody was fresh, from a song my mother use to play when I was younger and she couldn’t have been much older than me… well maybe.. maybe she was 30… ANYWAY, since we live in a digital age I searched the lyrics and this old gem popped up.
I shocked myself with how from the moment Cris Williamson starts singing I remembered all the lyrics and it just felt like this was the song I was suppose to hear in this moment. Like the ending of a great movie or the exit music from an outstanding ballet, it fit.
When you open up your life to living
All things come spilling in on you
And you’re flowing like a river
the Changer and the Changed
You’ve got to spill some over
Spill some over
Filling up and spilling over
It’s an endless waterfall
Sometimes it takes a rainy day
Just to let you know
Everything’s gonna be – All right
I know, I know, I know all right