I’m forcing myself to write this blog. I haven’t posted anything in 3 weeks and believe me, my
procrastination writers block hasn’t gone unnoticed . That’s why when my boyfriend and I were incredibly blessed with an opportunity to do some spring skiing in Durango, Colorado I couldn’t wait to write blog after blog curled up next to my cozy fireplace, transcending to a whole new level of personal narrative, inspired beyond words. Well, it’s our last full afternoon here and… I’m forcing myself to write this blog.
The thing is, we had a lot of motivations for taking this trip, all of which are actually quite valid. After a tragic winter, the end of a three year battle with a family member dying from ALS, my boyfriend hadn’t seen the snow in almost 4 years and deserved more than anyone to be excited about something again. Not to mention my previous work schedule hadn’t really allowed for much one-one time together, and a romantic getaway sounded sweet- and needed. Besides, what else can you do when you’re both unemployed and using all your energy not to freak out every moment of everyday about your pending spiral into “loserville”. We had each other, our health, and enough money saved up to take a 10 day escape, so we figured, why not #YOLO . I couldn’t even express how happy I was to be driving away from a desert that had given me nothing but heartache over the past 3 months and onto a brand new adventure.
His plan was to snowboard- all day, everyday, for the entire week we stayed. His new 9-5 was the slopes and out there in the snow, I think it was the closest he’d been to happiness in a long time. My plan was to enjoy the mountains, write, sleep, read, and play while surrounded by the gorgeous Colorado mountains. I was Julia Roberts in Eat, Pray, Love except it was more eating than anything else , but who cares, I wanted relaxation through creativity and fun and that’s what I did. the I went on a long drive through the small mining towns of Silverton and Quary by myself, music blaring, feeling free and daring for just a few hours. I sat in the sun listening to the sound of the icicles dripping on our porch, freezing, but calm. But it wasn’t even 36 hours before reality started to creep into my serenity. What were we going to do about money? What were we going to do about jobs? Could we really pull off a move out of state? (Part of the reason we made the trip was to visit family in Northern Colorado and for me to interview for a perfect job, also located in Fort Collins) Did we really want too? If we moved out of state together what did that mean for us as a couple? What the hell are we even doing with our lives?! These and a million other questions kept me from sleeping through most of the week. I would wake up early every morning and watch the sun rise over the cascading hills and wish – no pray, that clarity and guidance would come but then nothing, no insight, no epiphany, no greater idea what the fuck was going on, zip! The thing is, after being laid off I felt lost, not any more or less lost than at any other point in my life – but I was just more tired than at any other point in my life. The feeling of running but going nowhere comes to mind. I feel exhausted from life and I’ve only been alive 24 years. If that’s not the most depressing thought you’ve ever read, I don’t know what is.
Everyone (parents, family, friends, random old ladies at the grocery store, etc) keeps saying, “you’re young, you’ll figure it out, don’t worry,” and, although I know this comes from experience, the truth is, I’m almost too jaded to believe them anymore. Liars, all of you! It doesn’t help that just looking through my Linkdin connections makes me want to jump out of a 10 story building at how accomplished everyone else my age seems to be. I don’t want the most impressive things about me to have already happened.
Needless to say, this vacation has yielded more questions than answers. I’m glad to be here, and if I could chose to never leave so that all these questions could remain just that, questions, then I would be happy. But I know I’ll need answers eventually, I just wish I had them.