How I Learned to Break Quietly & To Myself vs. Loudly & To Everyone

screaming-579286-mMy best friend left the state. For her I am optimistic, putting in perspective the few things that still aren’t perfect in her life. It isn’t my turn to get a pep talk, to depend on her visits, to speak instead of listen. It’s my turn to be her cheerleader. So I break quietly.

My boyfriends father passed away 2 months ago. For him I am strong, always trying to stay upbeat in a time when his world is crumbling down. It isn’t my turn to hurt, or want, or need anything. It’s my turn to be his rock. So I break quietly.

My new job is… a heavy sigh when you can’t get any air into your lungs. For this I am to remain calm, letting the unfair things and the new workplace nuances roll off my back when there isn’t room for anyone else to “feel” a certain way. It isn’t my turn to be right, or patted on the back, or liked. It’s my turn to be the silent one in the back, speaking only when spoken to and happy for the opportunity. So I break quietly.

My landlord is possibly a meth head and my roommates are strangers. For this I am to answer their texts, emails, and questions as if it is my day job. It isn’t my turn to argue about who should do the dishes or take out the trash, or pay more for electric when I’m only living there part of the week. It’s my turn to say “okay, sure”, keep as much as I can clean, and stay in my room. So I break quietly.

My body is on a one woman campaign to bring me down. For this I am to drink lots of water, sleep 8 hours, eat only the “healthy veggies”. It isn’t my turn to be tired from a day of work, stay up late and eat cookies, and skip the gym. It’s my turn to be a model for treating you body right, fuck the comfort. So I break quietly.

My parents are breaking free of me financially. For this I am always on a plan, scraping pennies, forgoing things I want and barely deviating from a budget. It isn’t my turn to be taken care of, secure, or stable. It’s my turn to grow up, take care of myself, and be proactive with my goals and aspirations. So I break quietly.

There is no time in my 24 hour day, in my 7 day week, in my 30 day month to stop for any reason. I am coming into my womanhood and for the most part I am happy. I love my life but boy do I wish I could take a break and just fall apart sometimes. I wish I had known that being a mature adult really means learning to sacrifice your own feelings and desires for the things that matter most in life. It is the blessing and curse of being a woman. The whole world rest on your shoulders but god damn if you’re not smiling while it happens.I wish I knew that just because you gain another year of knowledge doesn’t mean you don’t break anymore, rather it means instead of breaking loudly to everyone, you break quietly to yourself, wiping your tears and going about your day before anyone even knows there’s anything wrong.  It’s fine, at least I learned the lesson.

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One thought on “How I Learned to Break Quietly & To Myself vs. Loudly & To Everyone

  1. Pingback: Graduation | God, I Hate My 20's

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