10 Reasons I’m Pretty Sure I’d Be Best Friends With Chelsea Fagan

Screen Shot 2013-10-31 at 1.22.49 PMI’m a pretty avid reader of Thought Catalog. I’ll skim the articles once or twice a week, everything from the silly to the mundane and all the in-between, but only one author makes me literally laugh out loud and she also bares my name. For obvious reasons (at least to me, and aren’t I the only one who matters) I’m pretty sure if we ever met in real life we’d be instant best friends, which is why I’ve outlined the 10 reasons for this below. Chelsea if you’re reading this please do not think I’m a giant creeper/stalker. I’m a fan…probably nothing to worry about.

10. We spell our names with the SEA and not some other way dumb whore lame way. She totally understands why if a random Starbucks barista puts Chelsie with a smiley face on your Venti Dirty Chai you basically think they’re the most inept human being since Chris Brown. Or those few people who will pronounce it Chel-See-Ah like it’s some foreign name they’ve never heard of before even though it was the name of our 42nd Presidents daughter. I mean come on where did you learn to read?! On this we could instantly relate and understand one another.

9.  She is also obsessed with Disney! I mean I’m not going to lie when she published this, it was on my iPhone is 2.5 second and yes it was on replay. It’s so easy in your twenties to forget that Disney is basically the greatest thing to ever happen to our generation and Disneyland is THE.Happiest.Place.On.Earth Why does anyone even deny this plain God given fact?! Doesn’t matter I can forget the rest of you and Chelsea and I can totally geek out to Disney together.

8.  She uses her powers for good and not evil. I mean this educational wonder should be mandatory reading for every girl upon reaching the age of 18 and then again once she turns 21 and in four year increments thereafter until mature adulthood. There are so many more articles like this where Chelsea could easily write a diatribe about how much she hates people who *insert blank here* but instead she chooses to educate the masses into just how annoying they sound with that garbage coming out of their mouths. Thanks Chels, I would especially love to thank you for #2 because God invented chicken nuggets for consuming.

7. She’s not set on looking at things from just one angle. When I read this gem I printed out several copies for my entire office to read (turns out my boss was indeed a villain the whole time if only I had realized that before he fired me at 11pm at night, who does that?*Note it was not because I printed out the article for the entire office to read that he fired me) because honestly who even thinks this way? It’s honest without being terribly mean and obnoxious and striking that balance is exactly what makes a good friend. I’m pretty sure she’d be the one who would be able to tell you not to wear that skanky, cheap dress out because you look like a too tight squeezed tube of toothpaste without it sounding like what I just said.

6. She’s WORKED (or at least I’m assuming she wrote this from first hand experience but I don’t actually know because we aren’t best friends yet).  She’s paid her dues and learned what she needed from each place. It’s called perspective and it’s something everyone in their twenties is deeply missing, especially Miley Cyrus.

5. She’s a feminist without being one of those annoying feminist that thinks no one should wear bras and should skip shaving their armpits. I agree with this entire list. Enough said.

4.  She already knows what it means to be a best friend, which makes her the perfect best friend! And yes I did post this article to my best friends wall and all she said was “Awww”.

3.  She isn’t afraid to be herself in regards to getting a man, which is oddly reminiscent of another extremely perceptive person who also thinks men can be a bit wishy-washy. I love it. women these days easily bend to being these shadow puppets of what guys want and honestly, we need more twenty-something women to say “fuck that” so things can start to change… Or something like that.

2.  She gets it. She gets me. I mean basically this whole post is a gigantic love letter to my writing soulmate and nothing sums it up more than this article. I mean EVERY SINGLE POINT IS ON POINT. #ShitsExpensive Also this because I have over ten reason why we’d be BFFL and it’s yet another reason why she gets me. I mean come on a CARDIGAN DRESS!!! I HAVE TWO OF THOSE!

1. I started writing this blog in the beginning of October and forgot that I needed to finish and post it but I just didn’t have ALL the reasons why Chelsea and I would defs be best friends in another life until I woke up this morning and saw how utterly perfect and on the nose she is with her latest article. And maybe it’s because I had a guy best friend for the past 4 years that I finally realized is not “in love with me” he’s actually just a jerk who wants attention but not actually me. Or maybe it’s because I’ve had a guy I like tell me I’m lacking a “wow factor” or maybe it’s because I’ve been there, she’s been there, we’ve all BEEN THERE with guys and yet she puts it into words that make you feel as if you wrote them. Everything in your head that you feel she expresses and isn’t that the whole point of writing?!



Private: Do Not Enter

000021I am guilty of a lot of things, but being a private person is NOT one of them. Sure, I may at times be mysterious, slow to divulge, and some might even call me sneaky, but private just isn’t a word to describe me. And yet when a co-worker of mine went through my personal Facebook messages last week the only thing I could think of was how on Earth could someone violate my privacy like that? It wasn’t just a urge to be a little nosey, no, it was snooping at it’s very worst, and I’ve spent the past few days being mortified that anyone would even have the audacity to do such a thing.

And then, right around Saturday night my indignation stopped. I realized that while it was, most definitely, unacceptable that another co-worker went through my personal messages to find things out about me, she didn’t really find out that much about me that she couldn’t have drawn her own conclusions to from just checking out my Facebook, stalking my Instagram, downloading my twitter feed, and reading this blog just for starters. If you really wanted to you could probably figure out who I am and what am I all about with a LOT of time on your hands and an ability to draw simple conclusion based on photo’s and autobiographical updates less than 140 characters. It isn’t just me either, our generation has been thrown into the “nothing is private” land where everything from our likes and dislikes can all be accessed with a click of a mouse and press of a button. Oh, I know, there are some nay sayers who are all like “OMG I hate FB, I’m hardly ever on”, first off those people are lying, you’re on FB you just have a busy enough life that keeps you from social network overload Monday through Friday, and secondly just because you’re not always on a social media does not mean you don’t have a media footprint. We live in an era where all I need is your first name, a photographic memory, and your hometown and I can Google you in a matter of minutes and by the end of the day I know more about you than most people ever use to know just by talking.  It’s kind of frightening.

Which, is not to say I’m against it. As you all know I’m in a “glad to be living my life out loud,” phase and while I could easily deactivate any or all my social networks I prefer to continue taking pictures of myself & food my friends and I having a good time and expressing my unpopular opinion on Dot candies to the world. SO then why am I upset when some random co-worker goes through my mailbox. Isn’t that is essence what I want other people to do by reading this blog, and following me on various websites?! How can I be outraged that this woman took it upon herself to do exactly what she assumes I want her to do? Is there no such thing as a personal life anymore?

And then I realized why it bothered me so much. I want people to know how I feel and what am I doing but I don’t want you to know who I am. That’s part of the pleasure of making new friends, unraveling who they are by the things they’ve experienced and the stuff they like to do. I don’t want anyone to draw conclusions about me, I want them to know for sure because I told them. We spend all this time “Facebook stalking” and finding out things about people instead of asking them and we’re headed down a slippery slope…


Slump Day

Yesterday I had the best day. I woke up way to goddamn early in a great mood, I had an amazing brunch, I went on a walk by the water, and then I went to work and laughed my ass off so much my abs actually hurt. Then I went home and watched two of my favorite prime time shows and fell into a nice dreamless sleep in my comfy bed all by myself. It was perfect. Then today happened, and it was yet another slump day. For those of you not familiar with this day it’s a day when for no particular reason everything sucks.  In most cases it’s because there is nothing apparently wrong but you still feel as if everything’s wrong. Of course, these days never happen on your day off or on vacation when you can appropriately ignore all human beings until you feel better, no they happen on Monday’s when you have to go to work and be an actual participant in society  “cheerful”.

It’s not just that I’m having a Slump Day either, I’m in a writing slump too. Ever since this happened I’ve been avoiding my inner Jenna Hamilton and  haven’t had anything interesting to write about. I mean other than my mother (and even that’s suspect) no one wants to hear how absolutely normal I’m feeling. Not to mention I’ve got a new job, a new apartment, and yet the same ole bullshit as ever going on in my life.  It’s like I’m in a never ending Groundhogs Day of my own life and that shit gets old fast.

So how do you get over a slump?! It’s obviously not shopping, sleeping and eating mass amounts of french fries because I’ve done all of those things today and yet I still feel as if someone kidnapped my dog( for the purposes of this blog I will pretend I have a dog that I would be sad if I found out was kidnapped). And, of course, there are legitimate reasons why I feel like this except I can’t really share my feelings on this blog anymore because every time I do someone in particular freaks the fuck out and then I have to go back and edit the blog and that just defeats the point.

Add in the fact that my birthday’s in a month and Halloween is just around the corner and that natural “the holiday’s are coming” anxiety is on the rise. Plus there is only so much fucking pumpkin flavored things I can take before I just lose my shit. And, sidenote, why the fuck is the government still shut down?!  Slump -___-

… and you want to know the worst part about being in a slump when you’re in your twenties is! ? You still have to do stuff! You still have to go to work and smile and you  write those checks for those bills that you don’t even have the money to pay, and you have to ignore the fact that you have at least 3 people currently in your contacts that you want to text and be like “WTF you’re a terrible person and thanks for not really even being my friend” , and you still have to drive in traffic and be basically underappreciated for EVERYTHING. You still have to clean and do laundry and basically continue on with your life as usual because a “slump” is not a good enough excuse for just doing nothing and ignoring everyone. It.Is.The.Worst. No amount of funny Vines or sassy remarks will turn it around just fuck it all.

And that’s why God invented alcohol.