It Wasn’t The Fight

Heavy DownpourA month ago today a tried to kill myself. It’s scary writing that because other than a small handful of people nobody really knows that it happened and even those who do know , don’t know. For those of you who actually read this blog, (yes all 10 5 of you) you know that around the end of July I was not in a good place. I was so broken and it seemed like every step I took lead me to an even more shattered place (no, literally, I went on a run one day in the end of August, fell, and then cracked my iPhone screen). So I ran away, with the help of a very great opportunity and some unbelievable timing, I was abel to flee my problems, and I thought everything was going to be ok, but it wasn’t. I took 10 – 13 sleeping pills in the span of an hour and then got into a cold shower with all my clothes on so that I wouldn’t lose consciousness right away. Everything after that was a blur. I remember crying as my boss held my hand and shivering because I was so cold. I remember the EMT’s taking my pulse and my body shaking and feeling so tired and weak that I was actually scared. I remember how the EMT’s told me, “everything’s ok Chelsea, just keep you eyes open… keep your eyes open sweetie…”. I remember the oxygen and the IV and the ER doctors and the 4 night stay at the hospital and being alone. I remember telling my boss that he couldn’t tell my mother because she had explicit told me that I was “to take care of myself” and how I failed… I just failed. I remember thinking how much I wanted to be back at work, how I didn’t want to stop working because when I stopped, everything wrong with my life came flooding back to me and I felt horrible, like I had been hungover for days and all I did was sleep and eat crackers.

Every nurse that came to check my vitals would ask me why I did it, as if I could sum up everything wrong with my life in 2 minutes and then they could fix it. One nurse even said to me ,”but you’re a pretty, young girl, you should be having fun!” as if I hadn’t even tried that. Fun. HA. I was working 12- 15 hour workdays in a city I could hardly navigate. I had no money, no friends close by, no apartment back home, and I was sleeping on an air mattress. My boyfriend was one phone call from a nervous breakdown himself and we had our own problems. After spending a week with my own mother I spent more time apologizing and listening than talking and feeling better. After a two hour sit down with my whole immediate family the pressure for me not to fuck up was an 11 out of 10. My best friend was constantly telling me to “stop it”, and realize that “it just wasn’t that serious” in an effort to make me see the lighter side of things but that just felt dismissive. Oh,and did I mention I lived with 3 of my co-workers, and my boss was an old friend;when not actively ignoring me was busy making me feel terrible at my job. SO yeah, I had a bit of a psychotic break and no I was not having “fun”.

I felt like no one listened to me. No one. Everything that happened was my fault for not being… better… Everyone wanted me to forgive them their mistakes but I was immune to the same respect. All I kept hearing over and over for weeks was “You made me feel…” and that’s a huge responsibility, the responsibility of someone else’s feelings?! I mean wow. But no one cared… no one saw me drowning in every else’s issues, weighed down by my own.

It’s hard for me to write about. Even now I can feel my heart tighten and my eyes well up with tears because it was just so painful. The scariest thing wasn’t even feeling like I was dying, the scariest thing was realizing I already was. I lost myself, I lost what I was doing, who I was becoming, what I even wanted. After I got out of the hospital things got even worse. I was treated with kid gloves by the only people who knew, and yet at the same time no one had time to care. 2 weeks later I got into a car accident that totaled my car and , had it not been for the air bags I probably would have hurt myself pretty badly. I get the moral of the story. Be blessed, live life, blah blah blah, and I’ve done all that. My apathy for everyone else melodrama has dwindled considerably since I literally almost died. Sometimes I wake up now and feel an overwhelming sense of being truly blessed that everything happened the way it did. I have lived the last 4 weeks (31 days to be exact) using all my energy to do things that make me feel happy, and I feel more accomplished in these few weeks than I have in my entire life. It hasn’t been easy to pick myself up, or apologize to the people who felt responsible, to resume my life in a way that feels somewhat normal but I’ve done all those things. I’ve said it many times before but this blog, while the cause of almost all my aguish (and countless anguish of many others) is the only way I know how to share my story in the hopes that someone feels connected to my story and it inspires them. Sometimes all is lost but then it get’s better (and yes, that was the fucking corniest way I knew how to end that paragraph, you’re welcome).

This post, and the title of this post is actually dedicated to someone really, really special (though I doubt he’s reading it because I’m pretty sure he’s hiding from most of existence right now in a cave like in that movie Into the Wild.) Without letting you nameless, faceless, blog readers in on a very private situation I will say that there was one person who felt like everything that happened to me was his fault and in reality that couldn’t be further from the truth. There isn’t a bone in my body that blames anyone, thing,  or one person for my being overwhelmed by my own life. He took the blame and shame and guilt that didn’t belong to him, and even though we’ve had a very long conversation about it all and cleared the air I want to say again very publicly that no, MC, it wasn’t the fight , you have and always will be someone who inspires me to keep going when the worst has happened and it feels like your heart is breaking. I owe you more than you know for helping me realize that and for so much more. To everyone else in my life… I’m still here.

I’ll Do What the F@*! I Want

Rottenecards_1022223_2tyyq9ydxfI’ve been in an on again, off again relationship for 2 years. It’s crazy when I say it out loud and think back to when I first met Nicholas ( 3 weeks before my 21st birthday) how absolutely convinced I was that the only thing I needed in my life was a devoted and steadfast boyfriend. Other people told me it was a terrible idea, “Why would you want a committed relationship when you’re young, don’t you know this is the time in your life where you become a serial dater and no one judges you for it? Why waste that?!” I scoffed at those people because, obviously, they didn’t understand that I am was “wifey” material. You name it, I did it. I loved randomly surprising my BF with tiny gifts, breakfast in bed, game tickets, really anything and everything thoughtful, I did it. I could be one of the guys with any group of friends, impressive and accomplished around parents and bosses, and well… you know…when alone. I was not cut out for the casual “I’ll see you when I see you”, type of dating that our generation has perfected so it was kismet that I met him and that he wanted the same type of relationship that it seemed, I was built for.

And it was awesome. You know when people say “I think I was built to be a mother”, and you roll your eyes because they’re full of shit , that’s how being a girlfriend was to me, until it wasn’t. Contrary to my someones personal opinion it wasn’t always a screaming match that left me shaken and emotional bruised. After fleeing the scene taking a job in New York I had to make some tough choices and I decided it was best if we took a break. It wasn’t him (although I’m sure if you asked anyone directly involved they’ll say the choice to be friends for a while is beneficial to both parties), more so that I realized that in some respects people are right, your early twenties is “me” time. No other time in your life is a time where you can be beholden to literally NO ONE ELSE, except for yourself than the time in your twenties when you’re living on your own doing your own thing. Your childhood is reserved for being beholden to your parents, after that it’s boyfriends, fiances, and husband/wives FTW, then it’s your kids, dogs/cats, boss/co-workers, and then finally your parents again. Sure you’ll get your wedding, some occasionally Mother’s Day/Father’s Day, and birthdays where you can bask in 24 hour increments of “all about you” time but in general — this is it. Ask any adult what they regret most about their twenties and they’ll think about it and say “That I didn’t spend more time just getting to know myself by myself and enjoying it.” You take it for granted. You think that this is the time to party with no regard for consequences and that, that means the same thing as being by yourself. FYI — it’s not.

The thing is, I use to think that the opposite of being a girlfriend was being a slut. That if you wanted to take “time for yourself” it was code for “sleep around and have promiscuous sex”, except that’s not what it is. The other night after spending time with my best friend, I ate dinner by myself, cleaned my room, watched some chick flicks, and then passed out. Nicholas was suppose to come over, friends of mine had asked me to happy hour, and I had infinite amount of shit to do, yet the best feeling in the world was blowing off all those people and staying in just to spend time with myself. I even picked up the remaining piece of furniture for my room all on my own, and you know what I felt– victory! There is a empowering feeling that comes with doing whatever the fuck you want. Being beholden to only you, not having to consider anyone else opinion, or feelings or needs except for yourself is exhilarating. The space you get from being alone is the kind of space that makes you grow and reflect in a way that you can’t when you’re in a relationship. It’s the best feeling in the world. I can do WHATEVER I WANT. You dream about it as a kid and after you turn 21 you think you finally have it but having your own place, your own money, your own agenda, it’s different. I mean whose to stop you from binge watching Netflix and eating McDonald’s at 2 in the morning (I obviously don’t recommend this because as it turns out, you will regret it immediately)?!

It’s scary to most people, being alone, but if you don’t learn how to be alone how can you have a solid foundation in which to be with someone else? Between the tequila shots and one night stands is anyone of us enjoying being with the only person that matters– you? It’s not easy, and sometimes, when my auto pilot “girlfriend” behavior kicks in I have to hum the Sex in The City theme song and snap the hell out of it. I’m far from thinking of myself as Carrie Bradshaw but I do realize that an important part of growing up is taking a step back and doing what the fuck you feel like just because you can. That doesn’t mean that having a relationship in your early twenties in wrong, plenty of people make it work everyday, but for me and the majority of people I know this time of self reflection is the most important gift you can give yourself. The truth is, I don’t want to be anyone’s girlfriend. All my years of pursuing someone with the intention of being their “girl” has fled my body and in it’s place is a need to be no one’s but my own. It’s not personal, if  tomorrow I met the man of my dreams I’d have to say “No thanks”, and keep it moving. I’m at the point in my life where the healthiest thing to do is to do me, and hope to God I don’t miss my opportunity with someone amazing, that they themselves are taking the time to be alone too.

I Want To Hold Your Hand

tumblr_lr9roc6HgU1qidl94o1_500This is a post about friendship. It’s a post about burned bridges and crashed cars and the people that show up when you need someone the most. It’s a post about new friends and old friends and losing friends, and changing friendships from lovers to friends and from friends to lovers. For once, it’s not all about me, but I can say I’ve experienced all of it, ever last mutations of what a friendship could be, I’ve been there. Relationships in your twenties are hard but friendships in your twenties are like an never ending war. You go into it with so many and you come out with only a few and along the way things change.

The easy explanation is, you grow up. Some get married, some have babies, some move and get grown-up jobs with salaries and health insurance and without even trying your friendship dissolves into nothing more than a Facebook “Happy Birthday” and the occasional Instagram like. It’s not personal, it’s life, and while you have every intention of speaking to that person again it all too quickly turns into just some face on your news feed that you barely even recognize. With our generation we easily claim that “we’re still in touch” but we’re not “in touch” we just become silent observationalist.

The hard explanation is something happened. A falling out of roommates over a miscommunication can burn a bridge faster than a match on paper, making it easy to forget how close of friends you were before living in close proximity to one another. One day you’re working together and the next day your exchanging tense text messages and sending that person straight to voicemail. I’ve seen years of built trust destroyed in weeks over simple and not so simple things. That person, the one who helped you wipe away tears, who helped you pick out the perfect pledge outfit, who smoked and drank with you until you were both so stupidly drunk you spilled every last secret … that person can be out of your life as quick as a simple “unfriend” button and you won’t even mourn them. How does that happen?

And then there’s the whole dynamic between having friends of the opposite sex. That best friend that’s been with you for years who knows you better than anyone else, how can you turn that from friendship into relationship without killing the friendship? I mean what if that person doesn’t love you back? How can you have a true friendship with someone who has more feelings for you, than you do them? It’s a fine line and maybe the number one reason people don’t have tons of friends of the opposite sex. But it can be done. I love having my guy friends who can fix my car help me when I have guy problems and also just want to drink lots of beer and watch football. On the flip side how can you go from having a relationship with someone to just a friendship? If your relationship was built on friendship anyway it shouldn’t be too difficult, right?

You get to a certain age and you realize, you’ve made most of the friends you will you will ever have in your life already. Sure, you’ll have happy hour with co-workers, when you get married you’ll have “married friends” and when you have kids you’ll have other “mommy/daddy friends” but the people who know you better than you even know yourself, they’ve pretty much already come into you life. That’s why they’re important. That’s why ever person you feel connected with you should hold on to and try to get to know because, when you enter your twenties it feels like you’re the most popular person in the world & everyone loves you but how many of those people are at the table at your 30th birthday?!

Real friends, the ones that are sitting there there at you 30th birthday, you wedding, your baby shower, the ones who post that gorgeous picture of you in Cabo instead of just “liking” it, those friends are a 24/7 job to keep. They’re the ones who hold your hand after you total your car and tell you everything is going to be ok. They laugh at your stupidity and keep you humble. They remind you when you’re in the wrong and when you’ve managed to do things right. There bullshit is your bullshit, and vis versa. Sometimes, yes, they get caught up in your web of lies and uninspired shenanigans but damn if they’re not having a blast while doing it. Keep those people close to you, don’t burn bridges when you have so many already being blown up for you. For everyone that reads this post take a minute and tell your best friend that you love them, go back and try to have a conversation with that one person you got into with over nothing, be a better friend period.

One night, I was riding with a friend of mine from work and he was playing The Beatles. He played me one of his favorite songs by them and then asked me what was mine and for so many reasons this is it. It’s a love song but I think it’s fitting for this post.

Obviously I Was Writing to Offend You

burn-book-mean-girlsWhen I first started this blog I wrote a post about reasons why you should read my blog. It was pretty black & white, if you’re new to my writings please feel free to go back and reference it, I’ll wait….

See, pretty straight forward right? This is a blog from a twentysomething about twentysomething problems, stories, mishaps, shenninigans, and the like. It’s a footprint that I get to leave about how the fuck I survived it all when we’re at a time in life that most people don’t vocalize how shitty it really is. I decided that in order to help other people like me, not feel like they’re the only person in the world to colossally fuck up their lives who’s going through it, I would live my life out loud. It’s dramatic, it’s messy, it’s open for judgement, it’s advice from someone with no degree in advice giving, and I made that choice because I genuinely feel alone in my experiences most of the time and if, with every blog post I can keep even one person from feeling alone in their experience, than I’ve done what I wanted this blog to do. 

What my blog is not is some online slam book that others can read and then play the victim card with. Yes, I write a lot of personal things and it’s easy to take those personal things personally, but they’re not. I don’t spend my time thinking up ways in which to make other human beings feel bad about themselves, I reserve all that time for feeling bad about myself. When you write things, it’s a guaranteed fact that not everyone is going to like or agree with what you’re saying, I recommend those people go start their own blog and then find me on twitter and tweet me their dissenting opinion. Is my blog at times unprofessional? Sure, I was never claiming it was, the title of it being “God, I Hate My Twenties” might have spoiled that. Is putting our shared personal experience with a heavy slant on my personal experience unfair at times? Sure, again, get your own blog and title it “Why I Hate Other Bloggers”, I’ll read it. Is giving my advice advocating only my ideas, experiences, and suggestions “totally one-sided”? WHAT THE FUCK, YES, THIS IS MY BLOG, DUH! 

Let’s make a short list of other things I’m actively NOT trying to do while writing this blog:

  • Persuade you into joining a cult (Not actually something I’ve been accused of but for references sake)
  • Ruin my professional career
  • Ruin your professional career
  • Impose my religious beliefs on you
  • Impose my sexual beliefs on you
  • Give the combative enemy our secrets & strategies  (surprisingly this is not clear to some people)
  • Embarrass and shame you
  • Judge you
  • Victimize you
  • Laugh at you

The point is, I’m trying to do something here. I’m 22 going on 67 23 and so far it’s been a pretty terrible (75% terrible, 25% moderately manageable)  time. I’ve got SEVEN YEARS LEFT and I want to make the most out of it. I want to share my experience in the funniest, most honest way I know how and unfortunately for people in my life  that’s going to be this blog. I promise with everything I have that I will tell the truth and try my best not to bring down any dynasty’s or what have you but, if you’re reading this blog looking for ways in which to be offended than honestly you’ll probably find one (also you should get a life)… About a week and a half ago I tried to kill myself…. I haven’t written about it yet because I’m still getting over the fact that I was in the state of mind (hypothetically it may or may not have been sparked by a fight with a co-worker who may or may not have been a douchebag, which I think may or may not give me the fucking right to use the word douchebag because just maybe it’s the nicest word I can think of given this situation) to even do so, but do you honestly think I want to write about such personal and upsetting things? Did any of you think that when I wrote about my battles with my boyfriend, his family, and the emotional and verbal abuse I was going through? If I could choose not to experience these things I would, but I’m making the best out of it and now that I’ve had this blog for a while I think you know what to expect. My point is; if you’re reading my blog & you’re offended, than obviously I was writing to offend you, and not, you know, for any other reason whatsoever.

No Pigtails (10 Tips on How to Make it in a Male Dominated Workplace)

we_can_do_itTo answer your question, yes I do usually post blogs that are applicable to no ones life but my own and I’m trying to turn that around by blending the two into a short series of useful blog post about how to make the most out of a job and everything that comes with it. Today’s lesson comes straight out of my experience working in male dominated work places and from a quote I LOVE from Tina Fey and her book “Bossypants”.  Here’s her advice:

“No pigtails, no tube tops. Cry sparingly (some people say ‘never let them see you cry’ I say, if you’re so damn mad you could just cry, then cry, it terrifies everyone’.) When choosing sexual partners remember, talent is not sexual transmittable. Also, don’t eat diet food in meetings.”

This is all very sound advice and I have to admit that I have done all of these several times, just in this job alone (except for the sex/talent thing that apparently I completely understand that it’s applicable because it’s simple, but making it in a male dominated workplace is a lot more complicated than that. Tina goes on to in a later chapter to throughly explain her advice making it in show business and working under Lorne Michaels with some things that are useful to any woman climbing her way up to the top but for most part, being a twentysomething is a little different. Here’s my advice:

1) Be confident in what you’re doing. Don’t end your statements with that girly high voice question mark at the end, it irritates everyone. If you’re the boss of employees or interns don’t second guess what you’re saying (BTW interns smell fear, they’re like small dogs and/or children) be firm because if you give room for someone to second guess you, believe me, they will.

2) Try Not to be Sassy. It’s hard, especially when people send you emails like this:

photoI have to admit I did send a sassy email back but it was a lot less intense than what I originally wanted to send which was “Are you fucking kidding me, I know how to do my job, thanks for breaking it down for me douchebag” but I didn’t because as much as you’re going to want to “enlighten” them, men honestly think they’re doing you a favor by “breaking it down” for you. Take a deep breathe, ignore it if you can, and continue working circles around them. Don’t give them a reason to see you as a “hormonal” woman. This is applicable for crying as well.

3) Don’t try to be one of the guys. Yes slacks were invented so men would stop thinking of women as pretty faces in a skirts BUT that doesn’t mean you need to play down your femininity in order to be taken seriously. It’s 2013 for God sakes there are some really cute summer dresses that should be worn! We’re at the point now in shattering the glass ceiling where men actually forget that women are… well women. Put on some make-up, stop putting up with dumb guy innuendoes that make you feel uncomfortable, take that hair dryer you spent too much money on and do your hair. If you walk in and everyone goes “You look nice today” take that as an indication you should do the above steps more often.

4) Become close to your female co-workers/counterparts. You already have enough problems to be worried about without competing or being jealous of the other females in the office, so band together! Who else is going to get what you’re going through if not the other ladies in the ladies room?! Our generation has the biggest problem with this. We’re suppose to be working together so that we can have moments like these:

5) Don’t lose your compassion. Guys don’t care if your sick, they don’t care if you locked yourself out of your apartment, they don’t care that your cats not eating, they just don’t care in general (I’m generalizing, of course, I’ve had gay male co-workers who cared about my well being, I’d say it’s like 10/90 60/40). That doesn’t mean you should become a cold hearted bitch. Some women think that the best way up is to pull a Anna Wintours and become an ice Queen, and it does work for some but getting to the top shouldn’t mean losing your humanity. That compassionate touch will get you places too.

6) Don’t be bitter. Yes, the day will come when a younger, fresh out of Columbia- Size 2 – I just moved to the big city, girl will come in and garner all of the atention out of the office, don’t become bitter of this naive new shiny play thing. You were once that play thing and now you’re you. Don’t worry her time will come, but in the mean time the worse thing you can do is walk around the office like someone just stole your favorite Pashmina. The only thing men hate more than confident women is insecure women (also crying women but I’ll get to that in a minute) remember #4 and lay low.

7) Cry Sparingly. I’m not a great example of this because I cry at even the slightest raised tone. Blame it on my parents for not yelling in my direction more. I’m with Tina on this, if you’re so fucking mad/annoyed/irritated/UP TO FUCKING HERE with things, then cry, it will make you feel better and every guy feel like “WTF should I do.” HOWEVER, if you cry, know what the fuck you’re crying about. Be ready after you cry to get the things you want from the people your crying about, otherwise you just wasted a perfectly good cry. There is no crying for the sake of crying when you’re a women in the professional world. Be solution orientated and use it to get what you want. I’m not advocating making yourself cry just for that purpose but if you’re driven to the point of insanity, unleash it a bit and get the shit you want done, done.

8) Don’t sleep with your boss, your co-workers, your interns, your employees, not even the janitor. DO NOT. I feel like females forget this ALL THE TIME AND IT’S THE MOST IMPORTANT TIP. You’re going to want to, they’re going to want to, just do the opposite of the Nike ad and DON’T JUST DO IT. It will complicate anything you’re trying to accomplish and put you in an emotional compromising position that you just can’t be in if you’re trying to be taken seriously. The women in the office will talk, the men in the office will talk, it will not be good. Now remember, this is applicable for sleeping with not dating. Dating is a whole different minefield but it isn’t the worse thing in the world. I recently read a survey that said up to 40% of in office relationships end in marriage, which is pretty high, so if you think it’ll end in that then go ahead and be my guest, but if not, STAY AWAY. Friends with benefits barely works outside an office environment so why would it work in one?! If you’re not sure which category you belong in, then you belong in the latter. That is all.

9) Do your job better than anyone else. Be there 45 minutes before and 45 minutes after everyone else has left. Be sharp, be efficient, be all the above things I’ve already mentioned but above all else good at what you do. If you’re good at what you do then even if you accidentally ignore any of my other tips you have that to fall back on. Does it suck that you have to get an A+ on everything while everyone else can skate by with a B-, yes, but I’m not here to argue the fairness of being a young woman in the workplace. This goes triple for minority women. #SorryNotSorry

10) Remember they’re just men, fuck them. Honestly don’t let them get to you. Unless your blessed to work in a woman dominated field than at some point you’re going to have deal with the “higher up’s” and unless you work in Sweden, only about 10% of those “higher up’s” are women. In 20 years maybe that won’t be true but for now, that’s the reality. Try not to take anything they say personally (remember I said try…). At some point you will have to be their work wife, therapist, secretary, mom, waitress, teacher, and all the above and it will make you mad but at the end of the day they aren’t thinking about you, so you shouldn’t think about them.

P.S. I’m thinking of being Rosie the Riveter for Halloween, thoughts?! 

There is No “i” in Team… Right?

tumblr_mq977uOh4R1rzxujso1_500I’ve been having some work issues as of late having to do with teamwork. No need to get into the soapy, dramatic details but when things start to go south I think of this saying. It’s an interesting catch phrase really, I mean, anyone with basic reading/writing ability can plainly see that there is no “I” in team. Yet the phrase, used to motivate multiple individuals into thinking of themselves as one unit as opposed to several random people is much more complex than that. It’s funny to me now that we are inundated with this phrase at a young age when our sense of self-importance is maybe at it’s highest. We don’t yet realize that there are consequences or repercussions and yet we are expected to learn that in order to function on a team there has to be some level of self sacrifice (and wow is that heavy for a 6 year old who doesn’t even want play soccer, to understand). 

I’ve been thinking a lot about that concept lately. What being in a team means when you’re in, easily, the second most selfish phase of your life, your twenties. It isn’t easy at that age either, the constant emotional up’s and down’s that go with not having your shit together experiencing life. How can you positively contribute to anything when you can’t even positively contribute to yourself? I feel like in your twenties you lose sight of what it means to help each other, to succeed together, to fail together, to you see yourself as part of a bigger picture instead of just random snippets. There isn’t a sense of completing something together as it is surviving something together and not dying….

Who cares right? Teamwork is overrated anyway. Why not just say “Fuck it!” walk away and keep going about your own personal life? But there are so many valuable things that contribute to ones personality when you’re on a team. My Dad, who is one of the worse people alive, insisted that my brother and I be on a high school team. He said that “Being on team builds character and a point of view that other people are just as important as you are.” And although I mostly think that my Dad’s full of bullshit I have to agree with him on this. The people I know who stuck with teams in high school and in college are more well rounded, more likely to pitch in and help, they understand that we have to look out for one another, not just because it’s the right thing to do but because it might hurt the team if we don’t. Why is it so hard to do…? To work with, and not against each other is basic, right? Or am I the only one that still thinks being on a team means something….

When I was in high school I cheered. I remember during our football games on the sidelines we’d hear the coach scream “There is no ‘I’ in Team, not on my field, on my field we win and we lose as a team, and the last time I check you can’t spell it with an ‘i’.” And they did. Not one player was the star or the leader, they took turns being Captain for a game. They had discipline, like every sport it takes practice and hardwork, but they fun had too. They cared about each other like family, not because they didn’t have families or lives outside of football but because they knew that the win would be so much sweeter with people that they cared about. I wonder now how those same football players would act if they had to be one the same team again. I wonder if at this age, you can find room in your life to be a little self sacrificing and a little less of an “i”. Or can a team really be a team if everyone is on a different page. I told you, it gets complex… and most of the time I wish I was just out there again, kicking the soccer ball in the wrong direction up and down the field thinking that a team was nothing more than a group of people who I wanted to be my friend, and cared enough to feel the same way.