Christina Aguilera wrote a song off of her new album called “Empty Words” and in it she says:
The funny thing about hurting people
Is they tend to hurt people
The funny thing about lies is
They’re only lies
The funny thing about hearts is
They tend to break easy
The funny thing about healing is
The rest of the song is good too but the lyrics don’t mirror what I’m going through the way the first course does. Of course, I’m talking about this and the fallout, aftermath, and apocalyptic bomb it seemed to set off for the entire rest of my week. It was a ripple effect that brought down everyone around me and maybe, for the first time in my life, I had to take a look at how my actions, more importantly my feelings, affect everyone around me. But before I get to the nitty gritty of what happened afterwards, the emotions, the feelings, the roller coaster of fuckery that my life became between then and now I have to say the most sincerest of thank you’s for everyone who supported me, prayed for me, and shared my story when I didn’t even ask for it. I will continue to be grateful for having such wonderful people in my life who want the very best for me no matter what that looks like.
I want to go back to the Varns family for a moment. In their eyes my blog post was a giant slap in the face that showed & highlighted ungratefulness and disrespect from me. In my words all they could see was embarrassment, shame, judgement and blame. Every word hit them like a knife that they felt was taken to hurt them personally and deeply in a time when they already felt low enough. And while everything I wrote felt real to me, to them it felt like an exposé of their lives that even they didn’t want to see. For that I apologize, truly. I highlighted my pain, my struggle, my rock bottom in a household of people who are in the same darkness that I am. For the record they have never been unkind or in anyway unwelcoming to me in a time I was trying my hardest to make my relationship work. They are amazing people who have taught me an unbelievable amount about compassion and supporting people even when they probably don’t deserve it. What they are going through with ALS is terrible and not a day goes by where I don’t pray for them and die a little inside seeing them all die a little from the disease as well. They are every family that is struggling with multiple diseases and their story is every families story. It’s the same desperation every mother feels, the same fear every father happens upon, the same self-destruction every addict has dealt with, the difference is that I’m telling the story and through rose colored glasses there are things even I cannot see or understand and while other families get to hide behind perfectly manicured lawns and fake smilies at the grocery store, in this situation they can’t. It is that that connects us more than anything else, because sometimes you’re so covered in the bullshit of you’re own life you forget that everyone else is dealing with some version of the same story too. Varns family you are not alone and I hope that in some small way I can shed light into the sorrow so that others can hear your story and relate to you, pray for you, and know they are not alone either.
After I published the piece things went from bad to worse. My car, a 1997 Saturn with 108k miles on it, blew the radiator and brakes all in the same day. The estimate to fix it was a cool $1200, which I didn’t and still don’t have. This coupled with an emotional spiral that didn’t look as if it was going to end had me backed up against the wall. There was a moment where I was driving and I thought “I could just crash, I could just crash and feel nothing and be no where and everything that’s going on will just end.” But it was then that I pulled off the freeway and sobbed for an hour and realized I needed help. I called my boss and asked for a leave of absence and sped to my friend Tiffani’s house where I promptly cried for another 2 hours off and on. Luckily I had her to hilariously and honestly tell me to “knock that shit off” and forced me to eat and eventually sleep and helped me to pack my things as I reevaluated my life direction. I could write a million post about friends and how they come into your life always right when you need them the most but I think by now she knows how I feel about that and that’s all that matters. Her determination to get me on a plane to Texas with my family so that I didn’t completely fall apart is the biggest gift I have ever gotten from someone who wasn’t related to me.
But, of course, no matter how far you run from something, if God wants you to deal with something, you better believe you’re dealing with it, and coming to Texas to be with my family was no exception. The first day I was here I tried going on a run only to break my iPhone screen after I tripped and fell. I don’t think God gets anymore literal than that. I remember sitting in the shower afterwards thinking “Oh for FUCK SAKE!” before getting up and realizing that the show, indeed, had to go on. This was, of course, the same day that the Varns family read my blog and to say the response was overwhelming is an understatement. Nicholas, my boyfriend, called me and screamed at the top of his lungs for what seemed like an hour but was only ten minutes. Tears slid down my face as my mother sat in the car beside me torn between wanting to hug me and beat me all at the same time. After I finally hung up the phone she ripped me a new asshole the way only a black mother can when you allow another human being to berate you while you’re literally at your lowest. My phone was broken, my car was broken, my stuff was packed but 2000 miles away and I hadn’t eaten or slept in days. It was not good. This went on for the rest of the day and night with tears on both ends of the conversation between Nicholas and I as I watched my relationship go up in a fiery ball of flames (yes, I’m being dramatic but that’s what it felt like).
Let me take a pause there before I wrap up this novel and tell you the deal with Nicholas and I. Every thing I wrote and felt from my last blog post I still hold true. HOWEVER, it wasn’t always like that. Our relationship was borne out of this unconditional love for each other that kind of over came both of us. I was a mess, he was a mess, but our willingness to allow each other to be who we are without judgement and without restriction is something that I will never in my life forget and also something I needed at the time. Where we go from here, I’m not sure, and as opinionated as I know everyone is who’s reading this on where they think it should go I would like you to allow us a moment to get there. That’s what’s so crazy about your twenties; it is this constant urge to go into a battle that everyone else, if you listened to them, will tell you is not worth it but you still need and want to go through it anyway. It builds character, or so I’m told – I guess I won’t know till I’m thirty.
As for everything else- well yeah, fuck. The first morning I got here (after the iPhone thing but before the everyone read my blog thing) my mom sat me down and said “So I guess you’re fucked then right? What’s the point, everything’s shitty and you’re feeling shitty and you might as well give up.” Obviously she didn’t mean that- or maybe she did I don’t know the woman is crazy so, whatever. And then I said probably the moral of the whole story to begin with:
” .. but like, that can’t be it though can it? I honestly know all the evidence is pointing in the ‘just give up’ pile and there is no evidence to support that everything will be okay but I feel like I’m just too young to have fucked everything up so royally that it still can’t be fixed right?”
And she said:
“Yes, that’s called having faith.”
And then, of course, things continued to go wrong and I’m sure that I’m no where near done dealing with the fuckary that is my life right now but who cares right. That’s being 22, it sucks, it SUCKS!!! That’s why this blog is called “God, I Hate My Twenties” and I promised to tell you the truth of what really goes down and how you get to the other side and I am, right now, doing just that. There will be good moments. In fact there already have been some that I’ve skipped over because well.. it’s a whole other long story that involves getting my oil changed… another day I promise. For now my mom somehow found the money to fix my car, not sure what part of her soul she had to give up for that but I am grateful to whomever gave it to her and grateful to her for being a mom and loving me even when Im seemingly fucking up my life at every turn. Sigh.